Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Confessions: Catching up, Motherhood, and Too Many Words

Does it ever feel like the second you get caught up, the piles of to-dos mount again?  That's how it's been feeling here.  I feel like I just get a blog post ready, and something (or someone) else needs my attention.  Usually, those attention grabbers pull me toward more important things, so the interruption is welcomed (hesitantly, at first).  In saying that, I haven't read some of my favorite blogs in awhile, and I feel behind.  Crazy, right?!  On top of that, I've not commented in forever.  Sorry!  It's funny how the littlest things (like those) can seem heavy sometimes, and it's even crazier that not blogging, reading, or commenting can cause feelings of inadequacy.  I can't believe I just typed that, but I did. 

Anyway, I'm just jotting a ton of things down here in this post as a way to catch up quickly!  Here goes:

I'm on day 22 of Whole30.  Before you think that's a big feat, let me remind you that it's my third try, haha.  So, I've had a few special (for me) snacks around the house.  Do you know what happens when you do that?  Your kids find them extra special, too...

I did a little eye make-up tutorial for Olivia this Monday.  It's nothing professional, but if you want to know my daily routine, check it out here.

When you live in the country (or anywhere really) you're internet randomly goes down.  That doesn't go over well when it's a day you plan to get a lot of emails responded to.  It happened yesterday.  I owe several of you an email, maybe from weeks ago (I'm getting on that)!  So, rather than catching up, we did a little of this...
...I sent the boys outside with watercolors.  Carter and Peter's faces were clean.  Hmmm.  "Let's paint John Paul!"

Have I mentioned how in love with this little thing I am?  Seriously, I cannot get enough of her. Having a girl is fun in ways I didn't expect, but my absolute favorite thing thus far is seeing all of the boys around her.  Everyone is in love.

It's funny how tastes change.  I never really liked southwest decor growing up.  Well, I shouldn't say that.  Really, it just wasn't for me.  But, I feel these make the entrance to our house so much prettier. I'm a changed woman.
Do you have an Erin Condren planner?  If so, did you know until November 1st, you can order a new free cover?  Use the code FREECOVER.  

I'm shooting my first wedding this weekend.  Tiffany is getting married, and she asked me and a couple others to take photos.  If you think about it, on Saturday, say a prayer all goes well as this beautiful bride begins such a holy sacrament!

Some days I think I have split personalities.  Let me explain.  I've always loved kids and have always wanted to grow our family (His plan, permitting).  Some days I walk around thinking, "I've got this!" Others, I am quickly put in my place.  Like this weekend when Peter had a meltdown in a restaurant full of people and screamed in the car for over an hour until he calmed down.  Maybe I should tell you we were 6+ hours from home, no naps had taken place in two days, and it was past his bedtime.  Are those all just excuses?   But, what if I told you something similar happened two days later with Carter.  Granted, we had just driven that 6+ hours back home (same situation, different day, different child).  During those moments (especially when not in the comfort of my own home), I question everything.  Every thing.  Should we be disciplining differently?  Are they watching too much TV?  How do I get through to him?  Am I giving them enough attention?  The list goes on.  But, if I dig deeply, something might edge to the lead in terms of what really bothers me in these moments.  It comes down to this:  others think I'm in over my head (don't they have to be thinking this?).  If I'm honest, some days I feel that I am.  But, at the end of those days, I know (and am always reassured) that it is all worth it.  Truly, I feel that.  I adore these kids.  I love the chance to learn from them.  I love being made so raw...seeing so very clearly where I am weak (I just prefer it to not be in public, ha!).  Love it in a, "God, I need your help, this is getting deep" kind of way. Obviously, I worry too much about what others think.  I am selfish. And, I want a level of control of my life that will never be mine.  Those deep, gut-check moments of clarity are brilliant and give reason to the doubt.  However, they don't always make the moments any more bearable.  Yes, I want my children to be "good" because I want others to see that we're trying our very best to raise them the "right" way.  Yes, I want them to behave, because I so desperately want people to know that even on the hardest days, I'm not throwing in the towel or saying "no" to other little ones, if we're so blessed. Yes, I want them to act in public as they do the majority of time at home because I want someone to truly say, deep in their heart, that they support us as parents, that we aren't crazy, that we aren't irresponsible, and that they see the blessing in these little ones, too. But, the truth is, none of that matters.  It doesn't.  What does is realizing that I cannot and will not make it trying so desperately to seek approval from anyone other than Him.  Another truth: life with four kids, ages 0-4, is demanding.  It's exhausting.  And, it's downright difficult at times.  But, I keep coming back for more. Why?  For the little moments.  For the kisses and hugs and "God bless you and keep you safe, Mommy"s.  For the joy that comes in seeing them reach up to the Cross and ask to kiss "Jejus."  For the moments, however far between, that come with a deep sigh of relief and the thought, "I've got this."  Why?  Because. this. is. my. vocation.  These little ones are bringing me closer and closer to Christ, no matter the purging that it takes for me to get there.  It is hard.  But it is good.  So very good.  By the end of this vignette, I'm back to thinking, "I've got this."  Pray for me.

With all of that said, the idea of balance comes in.  Why do I blog?  Why in the world am I even considering starting a side photography business right now?  What - you just got a new puppy? (Yes, we did).  How in the world will we manage if we homeschool?  Should I try to grow my blog and my presence via social media?  Does ANY of that even matter?  Oh wait, I need to cook?  And clean? And pay bills?  Blah blah blah. You've heard it all.  Luckily, you get to hear about trying to manage all of those things from someone other than me because I'm sure I question everything relating to balance at least once a day.  I'm looking for an answer!  Olivia is sharing a post here on The Fisk Files this week about that very thing.  Balance.  Don't miss it.  

Finally (promise I'm stopping), I've been really debating starting a Capsule Wardrobe.  I know you've heard of it.  It's all the rage, thanks to Caroline.  Jenna has done it.  This Jenna has, too!  Kendra's doing it.  Grace, Blythe, are you next?  I want to do it.  I think I will.  But, I'm not so sure when I'll find the time to squeeze that one in.  Maybe a babysitter is in order while I line my closet out and simplify my life (and my materialistic addictions).  Doesn't Caroline make it look so cool?  I'm sure it may have just a tiny bit to do with how beautiful she is and how put together she seems!  Anyway, it's fun to think about.  And, will be even more fun to do!  

This post is finally over.  Thanks for listening.  


  1. Just for the record.....Ty and I frequently talk about having kids and almost every time it comes back to what we've seen you and Jeremy do when we think about how we want to parent our children. So while there may be people who think you are in over your head, there are also people who think you two have it figured out and are taking notes!

  2. AH! I just wrote a long-o comment and it got deleted. But the gist of it is that I think all 6 of you could not be more perfect and wonderful, and in the times when you feel judged or measured, just call me and Tiff and we will boost you up to the level you need to be boosted, because you guys are our heroes!!!

  3. I LOVED this! Oh my goodness... Summed up so many of my feelings lately! I never seem to be caught up and I will have those same thoughts about blogging- love it one day and the next think what am I doing?! Love seeing your lil girl and boys bc makes me think of mine- it truly is amazing to see and in the midst of the crazy such a peace and love. Have a wonderful week! You are amazing!

  4. this is so beautiful, Britt!!! I could've written it (a LOT less poetic) myself. You really have a way with words!!

    and yes - I need to get on the capsule wardrobe :)

  5. I just love your stories Britt, they are so honest. Raising kids is a hell of a lot of work and can be incredibly challenging at times. While my two kids are already teens I still feel this pressure from the outside world to be perfect, to raise my kids perfectly etc. It gets less with time and with aging, but probably will never go away completely. It's part of life's lessons I guess.

    I hope your photography side business will take off. You make such incredibly beautiful pictures! I was wondering what kind of camera you use and if you have taken photography classed or that you just learned by doing. I really need to work on my photography skills as a blogger ;-)

  6. You are spot on with the split personalities. I find it with my kids and my marriage. There are days when I think I am totally rocking this vocation and then the next day I will be on my knees crying and asking God why on earth he ever thought to trust me with such a life. It's a give and take and a learning curve for sure. It really does help to remember that this life is a full life. We won't always be in this stage of life. Our vocation to the married life and motherhood doesn't only mean our vocation is to have toddlers. It's just a drop (an important drop, but a drop nonetheless) in the bucket.

  7. Britt- I am a mommy to 4 - same ages as your precious kiddos. Your thoughts and words couldn't have been read at a more perfect time- because I have been having the same feelings as you described in your post! Thank you for being brave and sharing- it made this momma feel not so alone! Also- a fun FYI- we live in the Indianapolis area and just had Jolene Broad take our family photos! I got her name from your blog post. She was wonderful and I am so excited to see our finished pictures!!

    1. Really?! Do you have a blog? I would love to keep up! I so hope this week is going better for you. Gosh, it's such a roller coaster, isn't it?! Did you really have Jolene take your pics? I love that! She is such an amazing lady and photographer!

  8. I'm struggling through so many of the same things right now, so I feel you. I look at each day and wonder: which ball will I drop today? I know this means that maybe I'm juggling too much, but I don't think that's the case. I think I just don't have the time to organize my life: you can send your babysitter over after you finish your capsule wardrobe.

  9. So I'm totally intrigued by the capsule wardrobe idea. I want to try it. But I don't want to give up all my clothes either! Yikes. Let me know what you decide to do.

    Your family is precious and you are the leader of all that is wonderful. It was awesome to see you last weekend.