Does it ever feel like the second you get caught up, the piles of to-dos mount again? That's how it's been feeling here. I feel like I just get a blog post ready, and something (or someone) else needs my attention. Usually, those attention grabbers pull me toward more important things, so the interruption is welcomed (hesitantly, at first). In saying that, I haven't read some of my favorite blogs in awhile, and I feel behind. Crazy, right?! On top of that, I've not commented in forever. Sorry! It's funny how the littlest things (like those) can seem heavy sometimes, and it's even crazier that not blogging, reading, or commenting can cause feelings of inadequacy. I can't believe I just typed that, but I did.
Anyway, I'm just jotting a ton of things down here in this post as a way to catch up quickly! Here goes:
I'm on day 22 of Whole30. Before you think that's a big feat, let me remind you that it's my third try, haha. So, I've had a few special (for me) snacks around the house. Do you know what happens when you do that? Your kids find them extra special, too...
I did a little eye make-up tutorial for Olivia this Monday. It's nothing professional, but if you want to know my daily routine, check it out here.
When you live in the country (or anywhere really) you're internet randomly goes down. That doesn't go over well when it's a day you plan to get a lot of emails responded to. It happened yesterday. I owe several of you an email, maybe from weeks ago (I'm getting on that)! So, rather than catching up, we did a little of this...
...I sent the boys outside with watercolors. Carter and Peter's faces were clean. Hmmm. "Let's paint John Paul!"
Do you have an Erin Condren planner? If so, did you know until November 1st, you can order a new free cover? Use the code FREECOVER.
I'm shooting my first wedding this weekend. Tiffany is getting married, and she asked me and a couple others to take photos. If you think about it, on Saturday, say a prayer all goes well as this beautiful bride begins such a holy sacrament!
Some days I think I have split personalities. Let me explain. I've always loved kids and have always wanted to grow our family (His plan, permitting). Some days I walk around thinking, "I've got this!" Others, I am quickly put in my place. Like this weekend when Peter had a meltdown in a restaurant full of people and screamed in the car for over an hour until he calmed down. Maybe I should tell you we were 6+ hours from home, no naps had taken place in two days, and it was past his bedtime. Are those all just excuses? But, what if I told you something similar happened two days later with Carter. Granted, we had just driven that 6+ hours back home (same situation, different day, different child). During those moments (especially when not in the comfort of my own home), I question everything. Every thing. Should we be disciplining differently? Are they watching too much TV? How do I get through to him? Am I giving them enough attention? The list goes on. But, if I dig deeply, something might edge to the lead in terms of what really bothers me in these moments. It comes down to this: others think I'm in over my head (don't they have to be thinking this?). If I'm honest, some days I feel that I am. But, at the end of those days, I know (and am always reassured) that it is all worth it. Truly, I feel that. I adore these kids. I love the chance to learn from them. I love being made so raw...seeing so very clearly where I am weak (I just prefer it to not be in public, ha!). Love it in a, "God, I need your help, this is getting deep" kind of way. Obviously, I worry too much about what others think. I am selfish. And, I want a level of control of my life that will never be mine. Those deep, gut-check moments of clarity are brilliant and give reason to the doubt. However, they don't always make the moments any more bearable. Yes, I want my children to be "good" because I want others to see that we're trying our very best to raise them the "right" way. Yes, I want them to behave, because I so desperately want people to know that even on the hardest days, I'm not throwing in the towel or saying "no" to other little ones, if we're so blessed. Yes, I want them to act in public as they do the majority of time at home because I want someone to truly say, deep in their heart, that they support us as parents, that we aren't crazy, that we aren't irresponsible, and that they see the blessing in these little ones, too. But, the truth is, none of that matters. It doesn't. What does is realizing that I cannot and will not make it trying so desperately to seek approval from anyone other than Him. Another truth: life with four kids, ages 0-4, is demanding. It's exhausting. And, it's downright difficult at times. But, I keep coming back for more. Why? For the little moments. For the kisses and hugs and "God bless you and keep you safe, Mommy"s. For the joy that comes in seeing them reach up to the Cross and ask to kiss "Jejus." For the moments, however far between, that come with a deep sigh of relief and the thought, "I've got this." Why? Because. this. is. my. vocation. These little ones are bringing me closer and closer to Christ, no matter the purging that it takes for me to get there. It is hard. But it is good. So very good. By the end of this vignette, I'm back to thinking, "I've got this." Pray for me.
With all of that said, the idea of balance comes in. Why do I blog? Why in the world am I even considering starting a side photography business right now? What - you just got a new puppy? (Yes, we did). How in the world will we manage if we homeschool? Should I try to grow my blog and my presence via social media? Does ANY of that even matter? Oh wait, I need to cook? And clean? And pay bills? Blah blah blah. You've heard it all. Luckily, you get to hear about trying to manage all of those things from someone other than me because I'm sure I question everything relating to balance at least once a day. I'm looking for an answer! Olivia is sharing a post here on The Fisk Files this week about that very thing. Balance. Don't miss it.
Finally (promise I'm stopping), I've been really debating starting a Capsule Wardrobe. I know you've heard of it. It's all the rage, thanks to Caroline. Jenna has done it. This Jenna has, too! Kendra's doing it. Grace, Blythe, are you next? I want to do it. I think I will. But, I'm not so sure when I'll find the time to squeeze that one in. Maybe a babysitter is in order while I line my closet out and simplify my life (and my materialistic addictions). Doesn't Caroline make it look so cool? I'm sure it may have just a tiny bit to do with how beautiful she is and how put together she seems! Anyway, it's fun to think about. And, will be even more fun to do!
This post is finally over. Thanks for listening.