Friday, April 17, 2015

A Blur

In the boys' Easter baskets they each received a little lego-like vehicle to put together - with a lot of help from Dad, for sure :)

Peter, John Paul and Sophie were down for naps, and Carter just wasn't very tired (his naps are becoming fewer and farther between, and that makes me sad), so Jeremy sat down with him to assemble his little jeep.

I, of course, reached for my camera. 

As I watched these moments of Jeremy teaching Carter and Carter so eagerly learning from his daddy, I smiled, and yet my heart ached a tiny bit.  It's a moment that I know will be gone too soon. In essence, that's why I captured it.

As I think back over the last almost five years, we've had four babies.  I've been pregnant for 36 months.  Just as one gets out of diapers, we have another one in them.  When we get used to sleeping through the night, another tiny newborn breaks that cycle.  And, just when I think I've got the hang of something, another thing throws me for a loop.  

Carter, this almost five year old, was just a tiny baby making me a momma almost five years ago.  But guess what, I don't remember it all that well.  Of course I remember holding him as a tiny baby and the complete hospital experience when it went from Jeremy and me to a family of three.  But, I don't remember what he smelled like.  I don't remember the voice that carried his first words and sayings.  I don't remember when he was chubby, nor do I remember many specific moments of the others.

And as I look at Sophie, still unable to walk, with cheeks for miles, I don't want to forget.  I don't want to not be able to recall the moments when she needed me to carry her everywhere.  I don't want to forget the soft baby skin she has or the four-toothed-grin.  So, I take pictures.

But, if I'm honest, they really don't help me remember the reality of them at that age...the picture is simply a still moment captured in the blur.  I cannot always hear them or see them as they were.  Is that how it is supposed to be?

I know I'm probably more emotional that most, and I do realize they will grow, older by the day.  And, deep down, I know that is such a good thing.  Is it just because we've had them so close in age?  Is is because I'm too distracted as a mom?  Or, is it just a part of it?  Does every mom feel like the years are just a blur of intertwined emotions and experiences, making the specifics hard to recall?  If I only had one child would I feel the same?  Or, if I had them multiple years apart, would it be as bad?  Obviously I cannot and would not change a thing.  

Some days I just wish that blur would stop.  I just wish I were able to reach back for those memories and the feelings that accompanied them and smile, instead of looking at pictures and smiling through a bit of pain at how things "used to be."  

I love every moment and stage of these little guys (and girl!), and even if I could, I know keeping them little wouldn't be right.  Sometimes I just need the reminder to live for now, soaking up every minute of these moments of sweetness, because they're gone much too soon.  But, new memories and new moments to forever cherish follow quickly, as long as I'm focused on the now...and not reflecting too much on the blur.


  1. Rest assured that this is just a normal cognitive process. Our brains just can not remeber everything and we tend to forget some things in order to make enough space for new memories. I am a mother of a two year-old boy and yet, I have forgotten all the same stuff you have. I only wish I had more babies to remember details from different children. I can only imagine how your mother's heart grows remembering even smallest details in lives of you children. I am sure you have not lost anything by having children lose in age and as time goes I truly believe you will be more and more grateful :)

    1. Thank you, Kate! That really did make me feel a whole lot better. Sometimes I just get so caught up in emotion!

  2. I was just thinking all of this recently! Wanting to not only take pictures, but to start to take some videos so that I can remember what they sound like too. Sigh. Hug friend. Also my my calculations, you should be announcing another pregnancy :) hehe, j/k?

  3. Oh. the growing old is so difficult. Bittersweet, for sure. I love when they reach new milestones, but at the same time I miss the stage we left.

  4. I love this. Since Aaron's turned 2, I feel like the baby in him is just gone and I MISS it so. I miss him being little and I miss how fast that flew by. (...Cue people telling me it's time for #2, but that doesn't make time stand still either!)

    1. Completely agree with you! It's so hard not to ache for the past!