Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Final Days

I know I should learn a thing or two with each pregnancy, but I feel like it's mainly a cycle of repeating for me.  I know that as soon as this little boy enters the world, and I smell the sweetness of his tiny body, I will be so in love and the emotions will pour over me uncontrollably.  If it's anything like the last five times, I'll feel an even greater love for my husband, an intense need to tell my parents how much I love them and how much they mean to me, and a period of equally loving the newness of the little one wrapped in my arms while also dreading each passing second as the tininess slips from my fingers.  

Basically, I'm an emotional wreck for awhile after birth.  I feel everything...extra.  I question everything more than usual.  And, my love for everything is so much deeper.  While I know that, and while I know the emotions will taper and a new normal will arise, I can never avoid it.  I don't really want to, yet being so vulnerable is scary.
Today, a different emotion is present...one that I know has no clout.  But, one that hits me every time a new little one draws near.  I begin to ache for my current baby, and somewhat for the siblings.

I want her to know that even with the life change that is about to happen, my love for her won't change.
I wish I could tell her in a way she would understand that I won't be able to pick her up for awhile.  I wish I could make it clear that even though there will be a new baby in the family (and constantly in my arms), that she (and her siblings) will always all be my babies.  I wish that I could both spend time soaking up the newness of life with the little one while also giving more attention to each individual Carter, Peter, John Paul, Sophie and Genevieve all at the very same time.
Each of these little ones comes, and in a split second our lives are changed in a way we could never imagine, regardless of how many times we've done it.  One look at the little face and tiny details, and we cannot imagine being a family without him or her.  And, all will be well.

For now, though, these sweet little ones are my babies...and if I spend a little more of each day trying to cradle them as if they were still an eight pound bundle of joy, just let me.  I need them to know that our lives are about to change and remind them that it only gets better.

Because while I worry that they won't realize how much I love them when my attention is focused on the new one, I'll be reminded that instead of diminishing love, God will only allow our hearts to grow.

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