Monday, March 12, 2018

Not Something You See Every Day

It has been a long winter.  Usually it's one of my favorite times of year.  But, it hasn't snowed here this year (the part that creates the coziness that I love).  And, we've been sick most of it.  Flu B, strep, stomach bug, ear infections, RSV, Flu A and sinus infections.  We've had something every week since January 5th, with a few days of reprieve here and there.  None of it was anything we couldn't handle, and as always, it could be so much worse.  Then, my grandmother passed away.  It's all life, I know -- it just seems like it has made for an interesting first part of 2018.

I mentioned it to a friend the other day, and her response was, "Have you been praying for patience lately?"

Umm, yes.

Based on her follow-up, praying for patience isn't for the faint of heart.  In fact, it's almost like asking God to test your strength.  But man, do I need that patience.

I feel like I start my days thinking, "I will react calmly and lovingly to everything today."  And, then someone opens their mouth, and I'm already failing.

I get tired of telling my kids to quit fighting, quit arguing, and quit pouting.  I struggle with the homeschooling days that take much longer than they should simply because a task isn't fun.  I, sadly, even get frustrated when at times, I cannot walk because a crying baby is attached to my leg.

Yes, I love these little ones with every ounce of my being, and I pray daily that they know that.  But, some days (and those days seem an awful lot lately), I know I'm not showing them enough.  I know my actions are glazed over with a coating of frustration and irritation that even those two-year-old eyes aren't blind to.  And, I hate that.

I've made Lenten promises that I don't even remember (that's how great Lent is going this year).  And, I feel like I wake up to the same resolutions to make this day a new day, only to make the exact same resolution the next because of a(nother) failed attempt.  Every day I think, oh "I'll do this or that today" and almost every night comes, and I haven't done it, and I just go to bed instead.  It feels somewhat like the same day on repeat.

I haven't picked up my camera in weeks.  I haven't blogged in longer.  The winter projects I wanted to do...undone.  How I wanted to give more energy to homeschooling and making it fun...still haven't.  The time I wanted to carve out just for Jesus...still not carved out.  So, here we are, almost mid-March.  And, there isn't much to show for it around here.  

Except this...

This is how I found these two the other day.  Reading together.  Sitting together calmly.  Even sharing books without hitting, screaming or otherwise hurting the other.

I took it all in.  

You see, I get in these little funks here and there where I feel like either I'm not doing things "right" or I'm not doing enough.  I'm not sad.  I'm not throwing a pity party (please know that as you read).  I'm just getting this out there on paper, because sometimes, it just feels better.  I know how blessed we are, and I truly love my life.

Sometimes, like this winter, I just wish I was doing a bit better job of it all. 

Maybe I just need to pray for detachment instead ;)

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