Sunday, November 4, 2018

Looking Forward and Holding On

I was coming home from my OB appointment the other day, and someone texted asking how I was feeling.  My response was, "Huge."  Haha, it's true.  She then responded that she knew the feeling but that as soon as this little one was earthside, I'd simultaneously be in complete love with the tiny baby cuddled up to me and missing the miracle of pregnancy.  She's right. 

I don't know why I do it, but I do.  I try to take in all of the amazing moments of pregnancy...the little kicks, the knowing that I'm being used as a vessel for a child to be born, the sheer awe of it all.  But, I also find myself texting my sister pictures of my feet that no longer have any definition, half joking at how big they can get before this baby comes and half joking because if I don't, I might cry (not really, but I don't like being swollen).  I run into people and find myself making comments about my size, maybe so they won't do it first.  Yes, I know I'm big.  Yes, I know it looks like twins.  Yes, I'm a bit vain and sometimes shake my head that I didn't do a bit more to stay in better shape.

But, then I near the end and have discovered that I'm carrying a lot more amniotic fluid than I should.  More than likely, nothing will come of it.  And if you want to go on being a sane, pregnant momma, don't google the risks. 

I am not worried, but it does make me think.  It makes me so very grateful for the gifts I've been given in being able to carry most of my babies to term with no complications.  It makes me cringe to think that I complain about the fact that I can barely fit anything around this tummy or on these feet when I've wept with friends who would give anything to be in my shoes...literally.

I feel like I count down the days to holding this little one, and sometimes forget to sit in the beauty of the now.  Because when this tummy is gone, I will forget what it was like to have it.

And, I hate forgetting.  I know that's so weird to say.  But, I feel like that's why I take so many pictures.  Because I've truly forgotten the moments.  I don't remember what each of my babies were like when they first arrived.  Sure, I can look at photos and be reminded, but it's never like being in the moment again.  And, the moments go too quickly (except for those in which your child is whining or screaming like a maniac...those seem to last longer than most).  But, I don't want to forget.

Will I forget what it's like to be pregnant?  Sure.  Will there come a time when it's my last pregnancy?  Of course.  And, I don't know when that will be.  So, if this is it, I don't want to forget these moments...even these last ones...when I'm a bit (read a lot) more moody and difficult to be around than I should be.  I don't want to forget the five little kiddos who ask me every morning when their sister will be here.  I don't want to forget what it's like to feel like this belly may burst open at any minute, as uncomfortable as it may be...because there is life inside.

I like to hold on.  And, I can't.  I have to let go to enjoy the moments right in front of me.  But, I seem to have to re-learn this day by day.  And, when she finally does arrive, and her littleness is so fleeting, I'll have to be reminded (again and again) to let go, in order to fully love each precious moment as I am in it...not aching for the past or worrying about the future, but being in the now.

So, for the next few weeks (or days), I'll be waddling along in probably the same outfit I wore yesterday (and the day before that), praying for the safe arrival of our seventh child and thanking God that I get to do this, because I never want to forget the gift that it is.

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