Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Vulnerability (and a Dose of Humility)

Giving birth does a funny thing to me.  Well, maybe it's not just me, but I don't want to speak for everyone. When I arrive home with a new bundle of love to completely care for, I'm flooded with emotions.  One thing leads to another and before I know it, I'm sobbing, wondering if my older children even know they are loved, worrying about one of my kids getting into an accident, and dreading the day my husband goes back to work (he did yesterday, and surprisingly, I lived).

Seriously, it's probably amusing from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking out, it reminds me of what being a parent entails...extreme vulnerability.  We cannot control everything.  We cannot predict or will the length of our children's lives.  Bad things will happen.  Everything will not be easy.  The worry will probably not go away, even as they leave the home eventually and begin families of their own.  They will always be that little baby we brought home from the hospital, each expanding our depth of love for our growing family, and each adding another dimension of vulnerability.

As I sat on the couch holding sweet Sophie on Friday after we returned home, my husband was sitting next to me, and the boys were with my mom.  Her little tiny head rested so perfectly in between my chin and chest, and nothing else in the world was more important in that moment than holding my baby girl.  She was sleeping, completely trusting me to do for her what she could not do for herself.  I began to cry.  I wouldn't get to hold her like this very long (the boys would be home soon and need my attention too).  She wouldn't be this little ever again.  In fact, she was already growing.  My husband wouldn't be right at my side the following week (but he's never really much father than an hour away).  In a few days, I would truly have a family of four littles home to raise together (something we definitely wanted and even hope for more). However, in that very moment, all I could think of was how out of control I really was.

I couldn't stop her growth (but truly, I wouldn't want to).  I couldn't keep my husband home - he does what he does in order that I can do just what I was doing that very minute (being home with our babies).  I couldn't go back to just being a mom of one (but I had no desire to) - I just wanted each of the kids to have their place and know the unconditional love I have for them...and sometimes that isn't equal to the amount of individual time I get to spend with them.  I couldn't do these first few days alone, and for someone who has a hard time letting others help her, I couldn't help but feel I was burdening others who so graciously helped in so many ways.  And, finally, I couldn't keep my children from going back to their true home whenever He calls them back.  All in all, I realized (as I realize over and over again) that I couldn't control everything.

Only He can.

So, as these hormones settle and the tears fall (a little!) less frequently, I'm learning what it means to be a mom.  It means being completely vulnerable.  All.the.time.  And as part of that, it means coming to terms with Someone else taking care of the worries for us.  I don't think it will ever be easy for me to not worry.  In fact, I have to work really hard to keep it in check.  But I can find a way to suppress it and try my hardest to live in each beautiful moment I have.  Boy, do I have a lot!  And truly, the vulnerability and humility is an easy exchange (most days) for the utter joy that comes with raising these little ones.





So, I'll just wipe these little water spots off the keyboard now and go enjoy the four little miracles and incredible husband that I've been given for a certain time.  How did I get so lucky?

17 comments :

  1. Aww, Britt. I know this feeling well. So overwhelming. You and your family are beautiful! lots of love this week!

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  2. Little Sophie looks just like you in the last photo! She is too precious. These are great thoughts to remember and I hope they help me to enjoy the time with our future baby to the fullest!

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  3. I totally know what you're talking about! I remember that feeling right after I had Noah. The feeling of not being in control. At least when I was pregnant, I could control how much I ate/what I ate and that nourished my baby. But once he was in the world, if his latch didn't get fixed, he wasn't going to get enough to eat. And then the thoughts about them getting sick, or hurt or just anything was awful and I cried so much because of it. I remember thinking about how hard it would be to not know that God took care of things, to not believe in God. Because knowing that HE is in control helps so much even though it's still so hard knowing that you're not in control.

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    1. That exactly it! I can't imagine doing this without having faith in God either. It's tough. Praying for you and your little one on the way!

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  4. Beautiful friend, thank you for sharing! Praying for you and your sweet family!

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  5. Congrats! What great pictures! I can only imagine the feelings you are having with 4, I have the same thing with just 2! Enjoy that little squishy phase, it seems like you blink your eyes and they're crawling/walking around.

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  6. This was THE most beautiful post you have ever written! I was having a similar conversation with a friend of mine who has three kids. I was telling her about how I worry about the baby in my belly sometimes and about how I just want to keep it perfectly safe. And she told me that this worry (this vulnerability) never goes away, even as they grow older. And when they grow up and move away, it's like a little piece of you has left and is out there somewhere - somewhere that you can't control. It is so true that we need to learn to leave our children in His hands, as we can't control the future. I'm expecting my first, and I can only imagine how real this vulnerability is when you bring an infant home. Thank you for sharing so honestly!! And for including the encouragement that it will be okay, because God is going to take care of our future.

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    1. Thank you so much! The worrying is so common, I'm discovering. You will be such a good mom, and I know you're doing everything you can to protect that little one inside! I'm so not ready for the day they move away - luckily I have some time to prepare ;) Praying for you!

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  7. Oh, Britt. Beautiful. Absolutely perfect. You have blessed children with you as their mama!

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  8. This gave me goosebumps. I share all these same emotions with you. This mom thing is so hard. It is hard physically be even harder mentally. The worry and fear mixed with the pure joy and unconditional love. Daily emotions. I hope you are accepting some help, and enjoy each of those beautiful babies!

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  9. Britt--I had these exact same feelings, being 4 weeks into having three kids. You speak so beautifully to that loss of control/turning over to God!

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    1. Oh thank you! I'll be praying for you - just a bit of a tough time but so worth it!

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  10. This is really very lovely. And the worrying, I am a worrier and I lay awake at night and worry. I am sometimes better than others. But prayers for you!

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers, Kelly! It's comforting to know it's just part of being a momma.

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  11. BEAUTIFUL. Thank you dear friend.

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  12. Aww precious post! I know that you are an amazing Mom! Congrats ... she is beautiful!!!

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