Life...

Look at these two (soon to be three) cuties :)  They are what I get to wake up to every morning, and they are who I spend my days with.  I consider myself so very blessed.  I haven't had any problem getting pregnant and having children.  I know that is not always the case and cannot thank God enough for that blessing in my life.

I have always wanted to be a mom.  Yes, I went to college and even on to get my master's...knowing the entire time that if I ever had the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom, that is what I would be happiest doing.  Until I met my husband, I didn't know if that desire would become a reality.  Therefore, I proceeded with my life as if it would just be me, supporting myself, for life.  I am glad I did.  I am thankful I had the opportunity to get a college degree and participate in the things I did before I got married.  However, life hasn't been as good as it is now, married to my best friend and raising our little boys.

With all that said, sometimes the day-to-day life is more challenging than I expected.  I never knew disciplining children would be so difficult, that it really would "hurt me more than it hurt you."  It has been a challenging week (to say the least).  Discipline not seeming to work, challenges to authority every few minutes, the serious moments becoming simply a game in the little one's eyes, and the lack of anything making a difference.  I am spent.  I am confused.  And, I am heart-broken. 

While I know it is just a bad day or two among many glorious ones, I'm at a loss as to what to do.  I love my children more than anything in this world, after my husband.  I want to raise them in the best way I can in order to prepare them to be Godly, loving men.  I want them to every day know how loved they are, that I would give my life for theirs, that I can no longer make decisions without considering them.  I want to be as God wants me to be, and above all else, I want to prepare them, as best I can, for Heaven.

Yet, why then, do I feel like a failure?  Why do I find myself crying at night, wondering if they know they are loved.  Wondering if I responded in the ways I should have.  Wondering if I am leading them closer or farther from God. 

God help me, I am in no way comparing myself to God, but I have begun to think, "is this what it is like for Him?"  Does He see me every day, failing, and wonder what has gone wrong?  Has he tried to teach me His ways, only for me to throw a tantrum and want things my way, in my time?  Does He cry as I stray, living the life I expect for myself rather than the one He has so meticulously planned.  Is this what it feels like when we disappoint Him? 

If so, then I have failed to see these challenges for what they are worth...an opportunity to reshape my life for Him and to truly give him my worries, my concerns, my thoughts, and my cries for help. 

Children are a blessing, always.  While it may not be in the ways we expect, God uses these little people to bring us closer to Him.  My prayer is that I learn to realize that  fact, in the very moments I feel as if I've been tried one too many times.  Because as much as I may question my parenting and the results it produces, God knows exactly where we are, and He continues to love us without condition.  I cannot think of any greater comfort or example.