I think I've written exactly two (maybe three?) blog posts in the last few weeks. I have six in my drafts - does that count? But, they are waiting on edited photos, and those edited photos are waiting on my free time, and my free time is waiting on...you get the picture.
Life is busy. Not just for me. For everyone.
But here's the thing: I'm making it so. Even if I know I'm doing more important things than editing photos and blogging, I'm still plagued by the lack of productivity in these (and other) areas. I don't want to miss a day of my 365 project. I don't want to miss a week of the 52 project. I don't want the laundry to pile up. I don't want a dish to ever be in the sink. I don't want the crumbs on the floor to be there an extra minute. And, I don't want to fall behind in any "news" on my social media feeds.
So, I go about my days rushed...to get school done, to make all the meals, to leave the granite island spotless, to take the photos, to switch out the laundry, to keep everything in order all the time. I don't always succeed with these self-imposed ideals, yet I rarely let it go. I have hundreds of pictures to go through, and instead of going to sleep at night happier knowing that I actually got my Bible reading and rosary in for the day, I'm kicking myself that I didn't get those blog posts ready...for the fourteenth day in a row (or whatever task's ink still lies on the page without a line through it's core).
And, while I'm doing whatever important thing I'm doing, my mind is thinking of what I'll be doing next.
What is it? I think I'm afraid of letting go. I think it's a matter of being in control. What will happen if my laundry piles up? If the floor isn't vacuumed every day? If I don't blog for months? You get the picture.
Nothing.
In fact, I think it would be an extreme lesson in humility for me if I let things go at times. Because right now, I feel like if I get too far behind, I will never catch up! And, truth be told, I feel like I accomplished nothing for the day when I do so.
However, I've been working through the Blessed is She Lent journal written by Elizabeth Foss. She is brilliant, people. Brilliant! And, this journal appears to have been written just for me (although I feel that everyone who reads it might say the same). Sunday, I read this: "To rest is an act of faith. It means we honestly believe that our existence is not dependent on our activity."
Boom.
Truth be told, I read it on Monday because I had too much going on on Sunday to do it. If that doesn't smack me right between the eyes, I don't know what will.
I have got to find a way to fulfill the duties of my vocation without attaching my self-worth to what I get done in a 24-hour period.
Yes, as a wife and mother, I feel that I should feed my family, and provide a peaceful environment in which to grow. To me, cleanliness is a part of that peace. But, I must daily remind myself that my laundry bin does not have to be empty every day, and if I don't blog for weeks on end, I won't forget the memories of my children's early years.
And, even if I do, it will be okay, too.
Because right now, I'm not exemplifying peace for my children. And, it all begins here.
So, instead of desiring to be in total control, have it all together all the time, and always have something to do...I'm trying to let God have His rightful place in my heart...and thus my home. And, like anything, this will probably be a long, continuous road...but one well worth it!
Pray for me, as I will for you.
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